Joke Thread

LADYPINKtomato1

LADYPINKtomato1
VIP Member
Member
HOW Safe do you feel ?.... Remember this is the joke thread...


SAFE AT HOME AT LAST

I've torn out my alarm system & de-registered from the Neighbourhood Watch.

I've got two Pakistani flags in my front garden, one at each corner
and the black flag of ISIS in the centre.

The local police, AFP, ASIO, ASIS and SAS are all watching my house 24/7.

I've never felt safer.
 

My Computer

System One

  • OS
    Windows 8 - 64 bit
    Computer type
    Laptop
    System Manufacturer/Model
    Acer 7540-1284.(Special pkg made for HSN )
    CPU
    Processor:Intel- B960
    Memory
    3GB Memory , 320 GH HDD
    Graphics Card(s)
    Intel HD Graphics -ATI Radeon HD 4200 Graphics
    Monitor(s) Displays
    17.3 HD+LED LCO
    Hard Drives
    M300 ( 2.0 GHz,1MB L2 Cache)
    320 GH HHD

    Up to 1407 MB HyperMemory
    Case
    Laptop 17.3" HD+ LED LCD
    Keyboard
    Full size keyboard plus number pad( 5 full rows of keys )
    Mouse
    Touch pad..( I have a portable mouse I use )
    Internet Speed
    I don't know
    Browser
    I E 10, Chrome
    Antivirus
    Avast
    Other Info
    DVD Super Multi DL drive

    Acer Nplify 802.11 b/g/n

    6 cell Li-ion battery

    plus a lot more ...I do NOT need

Dragon Drop

Member
Member
What, no jokes since October?

A third-grade teacher was entering the classroom when she heard one of the kids say:

"No, you counted wrong. I got TEN bums and SIX titties."

"What nonsense are you children discussing?" she asked angrily.

"We're discussing the William Tell Overture," said the girl.

"Titty bum titty bum titty bum bum bum, Titty bum titty bum titty bum bum bum!"
 

My Computer

System One

  • OS
    64-bit Windows 8
    System Manufacturer/Model
    HP 23-D030

LADYPINKtomato1

LADYPINKtomato1
VIP Member
Member
ROMANCE
An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.
She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting. " Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.
A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me."
Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my Neck."
Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.
"Where are you going?" she asked.
"To get my teeth!"
 

My Computer

System One

  • OS
    Windows 8 - 64 bit
    Computer type
    Laptop
    System Manufacturer/Model
    Acer 7540-1284.(Special pkg made for HSN )
    CPU
    Processor:Intel- B960
    Memory
    3GB Memory , 320 GH HDD
    Graphics Card(s)
    Intel HD Graphics -ATI Radeon HD 4200 Graphics
    Monitor(s) Displays
    17.3 HD+LED LCO
    Hard Drives
    M300 ( 2.0 GHz,1MB L2 Cache)
    320 GH HHD

    Up to 1407 MB HyperMemory
    Case
    Laptop 17.3" HD+ LED LCD
    Keyboard
    Full size keyboard plus number pad( 5 full rows of keys )
    Mouse
    Touch pad..( I have a portable mouse I use )
    Internet Speed
    I don't know
    Browser
    I E 10, Chrome
    Antivirus
    Avast
    Other Info
    DVD Super Multi DL drive

    Acer Nplify 802.11 b/g/n

    6 cell Li-ion battery

    plus a lot more ...I do NOT need

Atomic77

Banned
a dyslexic walks into a bra.

:roflmao:
 

My Computer

System One

  • OS
    Windows 8.1 64 bit
    Computer type
    PC/Desktop
    System Manufacturer/Model
    HP Envy 700-414
    CPU
    Intel Core i5 4570 3.20ghz
    Memory
    12 gigabyte
    Graphics Card(s)
    INTEL HD 4600
    Monitor(s) Displays
    Pavilion 22bw
    Screen Resolution
    1920 x1080
    Hard Drives
    2TB
    PSU
    460w
    Keyboard
    Hp Wireless cichlet style
    Mouse
    Logitech m 100
    Internet Speed
    Charter Cable Wireless
    Browser
    INTERNET EXPLORER 11
    Antivirus
    NORTON 360

sammy52520

New Member
lol good one-

for post number 83 to complete the joke;)

The old lady goes to the dentist the next day.
she sits down,drops panties, and spreads legs.
the dentist says,"I'm not a gynecologist."
she says,"I know, I need my husbands teeth back."

hehehe
 

My Computer

System One

  • OS
    HP notebook with Windows 8.1
    Computer type
    Laptop
    System Manufacturer/Model
    HP
    Memory
    4.00GB(RAM) [3.89GB usable]
    Browser
    Internet & Google Chrome
    Antivirus
    McAfee

sammy52520

New Member
A thief went into my house to look for money.
I woke up, saw what he was doing, and searched with him.
 

My Computer

System One

  • OS
    HP notebook with Windows 8.1
    Computer type
    Laptop
    System Manufacturer/Model
    HP
    Memory
    4.00GB(RAM) [3.89GB usable]
    Browser
    Internet & Google Chrome
    Antivirus
    McAfee

Dragon Drop

Member
Member
In one of the Marx Brothers' films, Groucho Marx (a champion at insulting people) played a hotel clerk. A couple wanted to check in, and he demanded to see their marriage license and insinuated that they were trying to share a room without being married (which would be a major offense back in those days). They get worked up to a rage, and all the time Groucho is calm and cheerful while he insults them.

Finally the man says "This woman is my wife. You should be ashamed!"

Groucho, still smiling, snaps back "If she really is your wife, YOU should be ashamed!"
 

My Computer

System One

  • OS
    64-bit Windows 8
    System Manufacturer/Model
    HP 23-D030

Kari

Old geek, new tricks
Team Member
VIP Member
Pro User
That reminds me of my first (out of four) wedding. Still living in my native Finland, after the ceremony I asked the priest marrying us if I should give him some money, new as I was in this marrying game.

He told me that as we both were members of the congregation the service itself was of course free, continuing "People have usually given me a voluntary donation, all according to how good they feel about their newly wed wife".

I looked at my new wife, took my wallet and gave the priest 80 Finnish Marks (about €15, this was before the Euro). The priest looked my wife and gave me 68 Marks back.
 

My Computer

System One

  • OS
    Windows 8.1 Pro with Media Center
    Computer type
    Laptop
    System Manufacturer/Model
    HP ENVY 17-1150eg
    CPU
    1.6 GHz Intel Core i7-720QM Processor
    Memory
    6 GB
    Graphics Card(s)
    ATI Mobility Radeon HD 5850 Graphics
    Sound Card
    Beats sound system with integrated subwoofer
    Monitor(s) Displays
    17" laptop display, 22" LED and 32" Full HD TV through HDMI
    Screen Resolution
    1600*900 (1), 1920*1080 (2&3)
    Hard Drives
    Internal: 2 x 500 GB SATA Hard Disk Drive 7200 rpm
    External: 2TB for backups, 3TB USB3 network drive for media
    Cooling
    As Envy runs a bit warm, I have it on a Cooler Master pad
    Keyboard
    Logitech diNovo Media Desktop Laser (bluetooth)
    Mouse
    Logitech MX1000 Laser (Bluetooth)
    Internet Speed
    50 MB VDSL
    Browser
    Maxthon 3.5.2., IE11
    Antivirus
    Windows Defender 4.3.9431.0
    Other Info
    Windows in English, additional user accounts in Finnish, German and Swedish.

Cliff S

Missing my GIF avatars:(
Pro User
th

NASA studies nature for next Space Shuttle test flight.
th
 

My Computer

System One

  • OS
    Windows 8.1 Update Pro in Hyper-V/Windows 10 Pro 64 bit
    Computer type
    PC/Desktop
    System Manufacturer/Model
    Cliff's Black & Blue Wonder
    CPU
    Intel Core i9-9900K
    Motherboard
    ASUS ROG Maximus X Hero
    Memory
    32 GB Quad Kit, G.Skill Trident Z RGB Series schwarz, DDR4-3866, 18-19-19-39-2T
    Graphics Card(s)
    ASUS GeForce RTX 3090 ROG Strix O24G, 24576 MB GDDR6X
    Sound Card
    (1) HD Webcam C270 (2) NVIDIA High Definition Audio (3) Realtek High Definition Audio
    Monitor(s) Displays
    BenQ BL2711U(4K) and a hp 27vx(1080p)
    Screen Resolution
    1920 x 1080 x 32 bits (4294967296 colors) @ 60 Hz
    Hard Drives
    C: Samsung 960 EVO NVMe M.2 SSD
    E: & O: Libraries & OneDrive-> Samsung 850 EVO 1TB
    D: Hyper-V VM's -> Samsung PM951 Client M.2 512Gb SSD
    G: System Images -> HDD Seagate Barracuda 2TB
    PSU
    Corsair HX1000i High Performance ATX Power Supply 80+ Platinum
    Case
    hanteks Enthoo Pro TG
    Cooling
    Thermaltake Floe Riing RGB TT Premium-Edition 360mm and 3 Corsair blue LED fans
    Keyboard
    Trust GTX THURA
    Mouse
    Trust GTX 148
    Internet Speed
    25+/5+ (+usually faster)
    Browser
    Edge; Chrome; IE11
    Antivirus
    Windows Defender of course & Malwarebytes Anti-Exploit as a
    Other Info
    Router: FRITZ!Box 7490
    Sound system: SHARP HT-SBW460 Dolby Atmos Soundbar
    Webcam: Logitech BRIO ULTRA HD PRO WEBCAM 4K webcam with HDR

Cliff S

Missing my GIF avatars:(
Pro User
Geek Revenge


1. Set this BSOD screen shot as Background
Fake BSOD.jpg


2. Auto hide taskbar
Screenshot (37).png

3. Shut down and wait....
 

My Computer

System One

  • OS
    Windows 8.1 Update Pro in Hyper-V/Windows 10 Pro 64 bit
    Computer type
    PC/Desktop
    System Manufacturer/Model
    Cliff's Black & Blue Wonder
    CPU
    Intel Core i9-9900K
    Motherboard
    ASUS ROG Maximus X Hero
    Memory
    32 GB Quad Kit, G.Skill Trident Z RGB Series schwarz, DDR4-3866, 18-19-19-39-2T
    Graphics Card(s)
    ASUS GeForce RTX 3090 ROG Strix O24G, 24576 MB GDDR6X
    Sound Card
    (1) HD Webcam C270 (2) NVIDIA High Definition Audio (3) Realtek High Definition Audio
    Monitor(s) Displays
    BenQ BL2711U(4K) and a hp 27vx(1080p)
    Screen Resolution
    1920 x 1080 x 32 bits (4294967296 colors) @ 60 Hz
    Hard Drives
    C: Samsung 960 EVO NVMe M.2 SSD
    E: & O: Libraries & OneDrive-> Samsung 850 EVO 1TB
    D: Hyper-V VM's -> Samsung PM951 Client M.2 512Gb SSD
    G: System Images -> HDD Seagate Barracuda 2TB
    PSU
    Corsair HX1000i High Performance ATX Power Supply 80+ Platinum
    Case
    hanteks Enthoo Pro TG
    Cooling
    Thermaltake Floe Riing RGB TT Premium-Edition 360mm and 3 Corsair blue LED fans
    Keyboard
    Trust GTX THURA
    Mouse
    Trust GTX 148
    Internet Speed
    25+/5+ (+usually faster)
    Browser
    Edge; Chrome; IE11
    Antivirus
    Windows Defender of course & Malwarebytes Anti-Exploit as a
    Other Info
    Router: FRITZ!Box 7490
    Sound system: SHARP HT-SBW460 Dolby Atmos Soundbar
    Webcam: Logitech BRIO ULTRA HD PRO WEBCAM 4K webcam with HDR

Cliff S

Missing my GIF avatars:(
Pro User
zy0icccmtmstobazmbau.gif
darth jar-jar
 

My Computer

System One

  • OS
    Windows 8.1 Update Pro in Hyper-V/Windows 10 Pro 64 bit
    Computer type
    PC/Desktop
    System Manufacturer/Model
    Cliff's Black & Blue Wonder
    CPU
    Intel Core i9-9900K
    Motherboard
    ASUS ROG Maximus X Hero
    Memory
    32 GB Quad Kit, G.Skill Trident Z RGB Series schwarz, DDR4-3866, 18-19-19-39-2T
    Graphics Card(s)
    ASUS GeForce RTX 3090 ROG Strix O24G, 24576 MB GDDR6X
    Sound Card
    (1) HD Webcam C270 (2) NVIDIA High Definition Audio (3) Realtek High Definition Audio
    Monitor(s) Displays
    BenQ BL2711U(4K) and a hp 27vx(1080p)
    Screen Resolution
    1920 x 1080 x 32 bits (4294967296 colors) @ 60 Hz
    Hard Drives
    C: Samsung 960 EVO NVMe M.2 SSD
    E: & O: Libraries & OneDrive-> Samsung 850 EVO 1TB
    D: Hyper-V VM's -> Samsung PM951 Client M.2 512Gb SSD
    G: System Images -> HDD Seagate Barracuda 2TB
    PSU
    Corsair HX1000i High Performance ATX Power Supply 80+ Platinum
    Case
    hanteks Enthoo Pro TG
    Cooling
    Thermaltake Floe Riing RGB TT Premium-Edition 360mm and 3 Corsair blue LED fans
    Keyboard
    Trust GTX THURA
    Mouse
    Trust GTX 148
    Internet Speed
    25+/5+ (+usually faster)
    Browser
    Edge; Chrome; IE11
    Antivirus
    Windows Defender of course & Malwarebytes Anti-Exploit as a
    Other Info
    Router: FRITZ!Box 7490
    Sound system: SHARP HT-SBW460 Dolby Atmos Soundbar
    Webcam: Logitech BRIO ULTRA HD PRO WEBCAM 4K webcam with HDR

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