Joke Thread

LADYPINKtomato1

LADYPINKtomato1
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THE STAR

A good looking man walked into an agent's office in Hollywood and said, "I want to be a movie star."

Tall, handsome, and with experience on Broadway, he had the right credentials. The agent asked, "What's your name?"

The guy said, "My name is Penis van Lesbian."

The agent said, "Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into Hollywood, you are going to have to change your name."

"I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old, I will not disrespect my
grandfather by changing my name. Not ever."

The agent said, "Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years...you will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian! I'm telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to represent you."

"So be it! I guess we will not do business together," the guy said and he left the agent's office.




FIVE YEARS LATER......The agent opens an envelope sent to his office. Inside the envelope is a letter and a check for $50,000. The agent is awe-struck, who would possibly send him $50,000? He reads the letter enclosed...

Dear Sir,

Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood, you told me I needed to change my name. Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused.

You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian. After I left your office, I thought about what you said. I decided you were right. I had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent. I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation.


Thank you for your advice.



Sincerely,

Dick van Dyke
 

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Borg 386

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I mixed up my pain medicine with my anti-depressant this morning.

My back still hurts, but I really don't care.....
 

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The Howling Wolves

Both Are Veterans
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I mistakenly took my wife's estrogen pills.
Having hot flashes and looking for my Smith & Wesson as the neighbors dog is barking.
If anyone has a problem with that come on over and I'll slap the you know what out of you!
 

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LADYPINKtomato1

LADYPINKtomato1
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Hospital Bill

You don't have to be Catholic to appreciate this one!!

A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store. The store manager called 911 when they saw him collapse to the floor.

The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart bypass surgery.

He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the Catholic Hospital. A nun was seated next to his bed holding a clipboard loaded with several forms, and a pen. She asked him how he was going to pay for his treatment.

"Do you have health insurance?" she asked.

He replied in a weak raspy voice, "No health insurance."

The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?"

He replied, "No money in the bank."

Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?" asked the irritated nun.

He said, "I only have a spinster sister, and she is a nun."

The nun became agitated and announced, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."

The patient replied, "Perfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law."
 

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LADYPINKtomato1

LADYPINKtomato1
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I mistakenly took my wife's estrogen pills.
Having hot flashes and looking for my Smith & Wesson as the neighbors dog is barking.
If anyone has a problem with that come on over and I'll slap the you know what out of you!


Ohhhhhh dear Dennis ate bobwire today.. I think maybe he is a tad cross.....:mad:;)
 

My Computer

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    3GB Memory , 320 GH HDD
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    Intel HD Graphics -ATI Radeon HD 4200 Graphics
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    320 GH HHD

    Up to 1407 MB HyperMemory
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    Laptop 17.3" HD+ LED LCD
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    Full size keyboard plus number pad( 5 full rows of keys )
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    Touch pad..( I have a portable mouse I use )
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    DVD Super Multi DL drive

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    6 cell Li-ion battery

    plus a lot more ...I do NOT need

LADYPINKtomato1

LADYPINKtomato1
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"4 Worms In Church"
Four worms and a lesson to be learned!!!!


A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis

to his Sunday sermon.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.

The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.

The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.

The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol . . . . . .... Dead .



The second worm in cigarette smoke . . .. Dead .





Third worm in chocolate syrup .. .. . . Dead.





Fourth worm in good clean soil .. . ..... Alive …


So the Minister asked the congregation,

"What did you learn from this demonstration?"





Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said .. . ..
"As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate,

you won't have worms!"

That pretty much ended the service!
 

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    3GB Memory , 320 GH HDD
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    Intel HD Graphics -ATI Radeon HD 4200 Graphics
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    17.3 HD+LED LCO
    Hard Drives
    M300 ( 2.0 GHz,1MB L2 Cache)
    320 GH HHD

    Up to 1407 MB HyperMemory
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    Laptop 17.3" HD+ LED LCD
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    Full size keyboard plus number pad( 5 full rows of keys )
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    Touch pad..( I have a portable mouse I use )
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Borg 386

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Did you hear about the flasher who thought about retiring?

He decided to stick it out for another year. :p
 

My Computer

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    Win 7 32, Win 7 64 Pro, Win 8.1 Pro
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    It's a Dell, Dude.
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    Motherboard
    Father is bored too.
    Memory
    4 GB
    Graphics Card(s)
    NVidia something-or-another
    Monitor(s) Displays
    24" HD TV/Monitor/Alternative Dimensional Viewing Portal
    Screen Resolution
    Fuzzy after a couple drinks
    Hard Drives
    2 or 3, depending on if it's a night they're arguing about having a "split personality crisis" because I partitioned the drive.
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    Don't get on my case....man
    Cooling
    Scotch on the rocks on the weekends..
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    currently being stalked by the cat...
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LADYPINKtomato1

LADYPINKtomato1
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Forgot my Lipstick


Don’t you just hate it? You get all dressed up; you're looking hot; smokin' hot! As you strut your stuff down the street,
you can almost feel all the eyes upon you.
Then, you happen to catch a quick glimpse of yourself in a shop window, and you suddenly REALIZE.
You forgot the lipstick! The whole look you were after is gone to hell, right then and there!









~~.jpg
 

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    Windows 8 - 64 bit
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    Acer 7540-1284.(Special pkg made for HSN )
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    Memory
    3GB Memory , 320 GH HDD
    Graphics Card(s)
    Intel HD Graphics -ATI Radeon HD 4200 Graphics
    Monitor(s) Displays
    17.3 HD+LED LCO
    Hard Drives
    M300 ( 2.0 GHz,1MB L2 Cache)
    320 GH HHD

    Up to 1407 MB HyperMemory
    Case
    Laptop 17.3" HD+ LED LCD
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    Full size keyboard plus number pad( 5 full rows of keys )
    Mouse
    Touch pad..( I have a portable mouse I use )
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    DVD Super Multi DL drive

    Acer Nplify 802.11 b/g/n

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HippsieGypsie

It's Gururrrrrr8!
Oh, LPT! Funny, but too early in the morning for that pic! I almost heaved my breakfast! :D
 

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Borg 386

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The First Sergeant noticed a new private one day and and barked at him to come into his office. "What is your name?" was the first thing the First Sergeant asked the new guy.

"John," the new guy replied.

The First Sergeant scowled, "Look, I don't know what kind of bleeding-heart, liberal pansy stuff they're teaching troops in Basic today, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my privates by their last name only - Smith, Jones, Baker - that's all. I am to be referred to only as 'First Sergeant.' Do I make myself clear?"

"Yes, First Sergeant!"

"Good! Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"

The new guy sighed and said, "Darling. My name is John Darling, First Sergeant!"

The First Sergeant said "Okay, John, here's what I want you to do..."
 

My Computer

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  • OS
    Win 7 32, Win 7 64 Pro, Win 8.1 Pro
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    It's a Dell, Dude.
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    Motherboard
    Father is bored too.
    Memory
    4 GB
    Graphics Card(s)
    NVidia something-or-another
    Monitor(s) Displays
    24" HD TV/Monitor/Alternative Dimensional Viewing Portal
    Screen Resolution
    Fuzzy after a couple drinks
    Hard Drives
    2 or 3, depending on if it's a night they're arguing about having a "split personality crisis" because I partitioned the drive.
    Case
    Don't get on my case....man
    Cooling
    Scotch on the rocks on the weekends..
    Keyboard
    Mad Catz Cyborg V7. Or maybe Cyborg Catz Are Mad At V7's??? I know it lights up...far out.
    Mouse
    currently being stalked by the cat...
    Internet Speed
    Never fast enough...
    Browser
    Defeated by Mario...wait...OH...BRowser...
    Antivirus
    Various

Borg 386

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This girl I met last week says she wants a guy who is "funny and spontaneous."

But when I tapped on her kitchen window late at night dressed up as a clown, it's all panic and screaming. :p
 

My Computer

System One

  • OS
    Win 7 32, Win 7 64 Pro, Win 8.1 Pro
    Computer type
    PC/Desktop
    System Manufacturer/Model
    It's a Dell, Dude.
    CPU
    Intel Caffinated Core Duo
    Motherboard
    Father is bored too.
    Memory
    4 GB
    Graphics Card(s)
    NVidia something-or-another
    Monitor(s) Displays
    24" HD TV/Monitor/Alternative Dimensional Viewing Portal
    Screen Resolution
    Fuzzy after a couple drinks
    Hard Drives
    2 or 3, depending on if it's a night they're arguing about having a "split personality crisis" because I partitioned the drive.
    Case
    Don't get on my case....man
    Cooling
    Scotch on the rocks on the weekends..
    Keyboard
    Mad Catz Cyborg V7. Or maybe Cyborg Catz Are Mad At V7's??? I know it lights up...far out.
    Mouse
    currently being stalked by the cat...
    Internet Speed
    Never fast enough...
    Browser
    Defeated by Mario...wait...OH...BRowser...
    Antivirus
    Various

LADYPINKtomato1

LADYPINKtomato1
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HOW ABSOLUTELY TRUE OF THE NEW GENERATION!!

Daughter: "Dad, I'm in love with a boy who is far away from me. I am in Australia and he lives in the UK. We met on a dating website, became friends on Facebook, had long chats on Whatsapp, he proposed to me on Skype and now we've had two months of relationship through Viber. Dad, I need your blessings and good wishes."
Father: "Wow! Really!! Then get married on Twitter, have fun on Tango, buy your kids on Amazon and pay through Paypal. And if you are fed up with your husband....sell him on Ebay".
 

My Computer

System One

  • OS
    Windows 8 - 64 bit
    Computer type
    Laptop
    System Manufacturer/Model
    Acer 7540-1284.(Special pkg made for HSN )
    CPU
    Processor:Intel- B960
    Memory
    3GB Memory , 320 GH HDD
    Graphics Card(s)
    Intel HD Graphics -ATI Radeon HD 4200 Graphics
    Monitor(s) Displays
    17.3 HD+LED LCO
    Hard Drives
    M300 ( 2.0 GHz,1MB L2 Cache)
    320 GH HHD

    Up to 1407 MB HyperMemory
    Case
    Laptop 17.3" HD+ LED LCD
    Keyboard
    Full size keyboard plus number pad( 5 full rows of keys )
    Mouse
    Touch pad..( I have a portable mouse I use )
    Internet Speed
    I don't know
    Browser
    I E 10, Chrome
    Antivirus
    Avast
    Other Info
    DVD Super Multi DL drive

    Acer Nplify 802.11 b/g/n

    6 cell Li-ion battery

    plus a lot more ...I do NOT need

LADYPINKtomato1

LADYPINKtomato1
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A Man and a Woman - Dinner

A man and a woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine restaurant.
They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands. The waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away,
suddenly noticed the woman slowly sliding down her chair and under the table - but the man stared straight ahead.
The waitress watched as the woman slid all the way down her chair and out of sight under the table.
Still, the man stared straight ahead.
The waitress, thinking this behavior a bit risque and worried that it might offend other diners, went over to the table and,
tactfully, began by saying to the man: "Pardon me, sir, but I think your wife just slid under the table."
The man calmly looked up at her and said: ..........
"No, she didn't. She just walked in."

The most wasted of all days is one without laughter...
 

My Computer

System One

  • OS
    Windows 8 - 64 bit
    Computer type
    Laptop
    System Manufacturer/Model
    Acer 7540-1284.(Special pkg made for HSN )
    CPU
    Processor:Intel- B960
    Memory
    3GB Memory , 320 GH HDD
    Graphics Card(s)
    Intel HD Graphics -ATI Radeon HD 4200 Graphics
    Monitor(s) Displays
    17.3 HD+LED LCO
    Hard Drives
    M300 ( 2.0 GHz,1MB L2 Cache)
    320 GH HHD

    Up to 1407 MB HyperMemory
    Case
    Laptop 17.3" HD+ LED LCD
    Keyboard
    Full size keyboard plus number pad( 5 full rows of keys )
    Mouse
    Touch pad..( I have a portable mouse I use )
    Internet Speed
    I don't know
    Browser
    I E 10, Chrome
    Antivirus
    Avast
    Other Info
    DVD Super Multi DL drive

    Acer Nplify 802.11 b/g/n

    6 cell Li-ion battery

    plus a lot more ...I do NOT need

LADYPINKtomato1

LADYPINKtomato1
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I'm not adding anything to this joke it stands on it's own
:thumbsup:

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children.



"You all have obsessions," he observed. To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."



He turned to the 2nd mom, Ann and said, "Your obsession is with money. gone Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."



He turned to the 3rd mom, Joyce. "Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy."



At this point, the 4th mother, Cindy, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand, and whispered, "Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about. Let's pick up Peter and Willy from school and go get dinner."
 

My Computer

System One

  • OS
    Windows 8 - 64 bit
    Computer type
    Laptop
    System Manufacturer/Model
    Acer 7540-1284.(Special pkg made for HSN )
    CPU
    Processor:Intel- B960
    Memory
    3GB Memory , 320 GH HDD
    Graphics Card(s)
    Intel HD Graphics -ATI Radeon HD 4200 Graphics
    Monitor(s) Displays
    17.3 HD+LED LCO
    Hard Drives
    M300 ( 2.0 GHz,1MB L2 Cache)
    320 GH HHD

    Up to 1407 MB HyperMemory
    Case
    Laptop 17.3" HD+ LED LCD
    Keyboard
    Full size keyboard plus number pad( 5 full rows of keys )
    Mouse
    Touch pad..( I have a portable mouse I use )
    Internet Speed
    I don't know
    Browser
    I E 10, Chrome
    Antivirus
    Avast
    Other Info
    DVD Super Multi DL drive

    Acer Nplify 802.11 b/g/n

    6 cell Li-ion battery

    plus a lot more ...I do NOT need

LADYPINKtomato1

LADYPINKtomato1
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BAPTIST COWBOY

Cowboy.jpg

A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona, the other is in Colorado. When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss.”

The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."

“Hasn’t affected my brothers though!”
 

My Computer

System One

  • OS
    Windows 8 - 64 bit
    Computer type
    Laptop
    System Manufacturer/Model
    Acer 7540-1284.(Special pkg made for HSN )
    CPU
    Processor:Intel- B960
    Memory
    3GB Memory , 320 GH HDD
    Graphics Card(s)
    Intel HD Graphics -ATI Radeon HD 4200 Graphics
    Monitor(s) Displays
    17.3 HD+LED LCO
    Hard Drives
    M300 ( 2.0 GHz,1MB L2 Cache)
    320 GH HHD

    Up to 1407 MB HyperMemory
    Case
    Laptop 17.3" HD+ LED LCD
    Keyboard
    Full size keyboard plus number pad( 5 full rows of keys )
    Mouse
    Touch pad..( I have a portable mouse I use )
    Internet Speed
    I don't know
    Browser
    I E 10, Chrome
    Antivirus
    Avast
    Other Info
    DVD Super Multi DL drive

    Acer Nplify 802.11 b/g/n

    6 cell Li-ion battery

    plus a lot more ...I do NOT need

HippsieGypsie

It's Gururrrrrr8!
Lol, LPT! Good one!
 

My Computer

System One

  • OS
    8.1 Pro X64
    Computer type
    PC/Desktop
    System Manufacturer/Model
    Acer T690
    CPU
    Intel Pentium D Dual Core
    Motherboard
    Acer/Intel E946GZ
    Memory
    2GB (max upgrade)
    Graphics Card(s)
    Intel Graphics Media Accelerator 3000 - PCI Express x16
    Sound Card
    Integrated RealTek ALC888 high-definition audio with 7.1 channel audio support
    Monitor(s) Displays
    Acer AL1917W A LCD
    Screen Resolution
    1440 X 900
    Hard Drives
    350 GB Seagate Barracuda 7200.10
    Thumb drives
    PSU
    Standard 250 watt
    Case
    Desktop 7.2" (183mm) W x 17.5" (445mm) L x 14.5"
    Cooling
    Dual case fans + CPU fan
    Keyboard
    Acer Windows PS/2
    Mouse
    Wireless Microsoft Arc
    Internet Speed
    54mbp/s
    Browser
    IE11
    Antivirus
    Defender
    Other Info
    Office Pro 2013 / Nokia Lumia 1520 Windows Phone 8.1DP GDR1

LADYPINKtomato1

LADYPINKtomato1
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Above the urinal at a golf course men’s locker room ...

Gold Course.jpg
 

My Computer

System One

  • OS
    Windows 8 - 64 bit
    Computer type
    Laptop
    System Manufacturer/Model
    Acer 7540-1284.(Special pkg made for HSN )
    CPU
    Processor:Intel- B960
    Memory
    3GB Memory , 320 GH HDD
    Graphics Card(s)
    Intel HD Graphics -ATI Radeon HD 4200 Graphics
    Monitor(s) Displays
    17.3 HD+LED LCO
    Hard Drives
    M300 ( 2.0 GHz,1MB L2 Cache)
    320 GH HHD

    Up to 1407 MB HyperMemory
    Case
    Laptop 17.3" HD+ LED LCD
    Keyboard
    Full size keyboard plus number pad( 5 full rows of keys )
    Mouse
    Touch pad..( I have a portable mouse I use )
    Internet Speed
    I don't know
    Browser
    I E 10, Chrome
    Antivirus
    Avast
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    DVD Super Multi DL drive

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LADYPINKtomato1

LADYPINKtomato1
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Behind Every Man

Barbara Walters, of 20/20, did a story on gender roles in Kabul, Afghanistan, several years before the Afghan conflict.


She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands.




She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind their husbands.




Despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the women now seem happy to maintain the old custom.




Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked,




'Why do you now seem happy with an old custom that you once tried so desperately to change?




'The woman looked Ms. Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation said, "Land mines."




Moral of the story is (no matter what language you speak or where you go): BEHIND EVERY MAN, THERE'S A SMART WOMAN!
Behind every man.jpg
 

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