Joke Thread

[LADYPINKtomato1]

HOW Safe do you feel ?.... Remember this is the joke thread...


SAFE AT HOME AT LAST

I've torn out my alarm system & de-registered from the Neighbourhood Watch.

I've got two Pakistani flags in my front garden, one at each corner
and the black flag of ISIS in the centre.

The local police, AFP, ASIO, ASIS and SAS are all watching my house 24/7.

I've never felt safer.

 

[Dragon Drop]

What, no jokes since October?

A third-grade teacher was entering the classroom when she heard one of the kids say:

"No, you counted wrong. I got TEN bums and SIX titties."

"What nonsense are you children discussing?" she asked angrily.

"We're discussing the William Tell Overture," said the girl.

"Titty bum titty bum titty bum bum bum, Titty bum titty bum titty bum bum bum!"

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

ROMANCE
An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.
She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting. " Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.
A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me."
Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my Neck."
Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.
"Where are you going?" she asked.
"To get my teeth!"

 

[Atomic77]

a dyslexic walks into a bra.

 

[sammy52520]

lol good one-

for post number 83 to complete the joke

The old lady goes to the dentist the next day.
she sits down,drops panties, and spreads legs.
the dentist says,"I'm not a gynecologist."
she says,"I know, I need my husbands teeth back."

hehehe

 

[sammy52520]

A thief went into my house to look for money.
I woke up, saw what he was doing, and searched with him.

 

[Dragon Drop]

In one of the Marx Brothers' films, Groucho Marx (a champion at insulting people) played a hotel clerk. A couple wanted to check in, and he demanded to see their marriage license and insinuated that they were trying to share a room without being married (which would be a major offense back in those days). They get worked up to a rage, and all the time Groucho is calm and cheerful while he insults them.

Finally the man says "This woman is my wife. You should be ashamed!"

Groucho, still smiling, snaps back "If she really is your wife, YOU should be ashamed!"

 

[Kari]

That reminds me of my first (out of four) wedding. Still living in my native Finland, after the ceremony I asked the priest marrying us if I should give him some money, new as I was in this marrying game.

He told me that as we both were members of the congregation the service itself was of course free, continuing "People have usually given me a voluntary donation, all according to how good they feel about their newly wed wife".

I looked at my new wife, took my wallet and gave the priest 80 Finnish Marks (about €15, this was before the Euro). The priest looked my wife and gave me 68 Marks back.

 

[Cliff S]

NASA studies nature for next Space Shuttle test flight.

 

[Cliff S]

Geek Revenge


1. Set this BSOD screen shot as Background



2. Auto hide taskbar


3. Shut down and wait....

 

[Cliff S]

darth jar-jar

 

[Addictive Gamer]

 

[truetech]

I'm greater than two!

Said no one, ever

 

[Syncopator]

There was a blind skunk who fell in love with a fart.