Joke Thread

[LADYPINKtomato1]

If My Body Were a Car!
This is just








Too funny - scary how true it is!!!


If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull...
But that's not the worst of it.

My headlights are out of focus,
And it's especially hard to see things up close.

My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather.

My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins.

It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently.

But here's the worst of it.



Almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter,






Either My Radiator Leaks or My Exhaust Backfires!

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

Arthur and the Witch

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.

The question?...What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.

Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer.

But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.

The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!

Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.

He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur

He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.

Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus:

What a woman really wants, she answered....is to be in charge of her own life.

Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.

And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.

The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened

The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.

Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day....or night?

Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?

What would YOU do?

What Lancelot chose is below.

BUT....make YOUR choice before you scroll down below.

OKAY?





Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.

Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her
be in charge of her own life.

Now....what is the moral to this story?




The moral is.....
If you don't let a woman have her own way....
Things are going to get ugly

 

[HippsieGypsie]

LOL! Good one, LPt1. :thumb:

How true all the way around.

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

Joining Facebook after Fifty...Priceless!!


Should I Really Join Facebook? (Priceless) Read it all the way through! It's a good laugh! AND really quite true!!


A good laugh for people in the over 70 group !!!


When I bought my Blackberry, I thought about the 30-year business I ran with 1800 employees, all without a cell phone that plays music, takes videos, pictures and communicates with Facebook and Twitter. I signed up under duress for Twitter and Facebook, so my seven kids, their spouses, my 13 grand kids and 2 great grand kids could communicate with me in the modern way. I figured I could handle something as simple as Twitter with only 140 characters of space.


My phone was beeping every three minutes with the details of everything except the bowel movements of the entire next generation. I am not ready to live like this. I keep my cell phone in the garage in my golf bag.


The kids bought me a GPS for my last birthday because they say I get lost every now and then going over to the grocery store or library. I keep that in a box under my tool bench with the Blue tooth [it's red] phone I am supposed to use when I drive. I wore it once and was standing in line at Barnes and Noble talking to my wife and everyone in the nearest 50 yards was glaring at me. I had to take my hearing aid out to use it, and I got a little loud.


I mean the GPS looked pretty smart on my dash board, but the lady inside that gadget was the most annoying, rudest person I had run into in a long time. Every 10 minutes, she would sarcastically say, "Re-calc-u-lating." You would think that she could be nicer. It was like she could barely tolerate me. She would let go with a deep sigh and then tell me to make a U-turn at the next light. Then if I made a right turn instead. Well, it was not a good relationship...

When I get really lost now, I call my wife and tell her the name of the cross streets and while she is starting to develop the same tone as Gypsy, the GPS lady, at least she loves me.



To be perfectly frank, I am still trying to learn how to use the cordless phones in our house. We have had them for 4 years, but I still haven't figured out how I lose three phones all at once and have to run around digging under chair cushions, checking bathrooms, and the dirty laundry baskets when the phone rings.



The world is just getting too complex for me. They even mess me up every time I go to the grocery store. You would think they could settle on something themselves but this sudden "Paper or Plastic?" every time I check out just knocks me for a loop. I bought some of those cloth reusable bags to avoid looking confused, but I never remember to take them with me.



Now I toss it back to them. When they ask me, "Paper or plastic?" I just say, "Doesn't matter to me. I am bi-sacksual." Then it's their turn to stare at me with a blank look. I was recently asked if I tweet. I answered, No, but I do fart a lot."



P.S. I know some of you are not over 70. I sent it to you to allow you to forward it to those who are.



......Not me I figured your sense of humor could handle it....



We senior citizens don't need anymore gadgets. The TV remote and the garage door remote are about all we can handle.

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

Black Cabs !
This is the JOKE thread.. keep in mind !!!

A devout Arab Muslim entered a black cab in London. He curtly asked the cabbie to turn off the radio because as decreed
by his religious teaching, he must not listen to music because in the time of the prophet there was no music, especially
Western music which is the music of the infidel.
The cab driver politely switched off the radio, stopped the cab and opened the door.


The Arab Muslim asked him, "What are you doing? "
The cabbie answered, "In the time of the prophet there were no taxis, so piddle off and wait for a camel!"

 

[MacG32]

Wanna hear a clean joke? A boy took a bath with bubbles.

Wanna hear a dirty joke? Bubbles was the girl next door.

 

[Borg 386]

An old gentleman lived alone in New Jersey. He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love, Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son:

Dear Papa,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.
Love, Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.

That same day the old man received another letter from his son:

Dear Papa,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love, Vinnie

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

His name was Ole.
He was from Minnesota. And he needed a loan.
So, he walked into a bank in New York City and asked for a loan officer.
He told the loan officer that he was going to Oslo for the All-Scandinavian
Summer Festival for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000 and that he
was not a depositor of the bank.
The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security
for the loan, so Ole handed over the keys to his new Ferrari. The car was
parked on the street in front of the bank.
Ole produced the title and everything checked out.
The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and
apologized for having to charge 12% interest. The loan papers were
signed and an employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's
private underground garage and parked it.
Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at
Ole from Minnesota for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000
loan.
Two weeks later, Ole returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of
$23.07.
The loan officer said, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your
business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little
puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out on Dunn & Bradstreet
and found that you are a Distinguished Alumni from The University of
Minnesota, a highly sophisticated investor and multimillionaire with real estate and financial interests all over the world.
Your investments include a large number of oil wells around Williston, ND. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
Ole replied, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two
weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?"
His name was Ole. Keep an eye on these Minnesota boys! Just because we
talk funny does not mean we just got off the lutefisk boat.

 

[MissFrance]

[h=1]How to Avoid Shopping with Your Wife[/h]

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Sainsbury's
Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring & preferred to get in & get out.
Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Sainsbury's...

Dear Mrs. Harris,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store.
We cannot tolerate this behaviour & have been forced to ban both of you from the store.
Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below & are "documented
by our video surveillance cameras":

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms & randomly put them in other people's carts
when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5 minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee & told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares.
Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station & receive a
reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing
management to lose time, costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk & tried to reserve a bag of Maltesers.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department & told the children shoppers
they could come in if they would bring pillows & blankets from the bedding department,
to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying & screamed,
'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' Emergency Medics were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera, using it as a mirror while
he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the Sports department, he asked the
clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the Store suspiciously while loudly humming the
'Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using
different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack & when people browsed through,
yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he
assumed the fetal position & screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!

15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk & asked where the fitting room was.

And last, but not least:

16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly,
'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.'

One of the Staff passed out.

 

[MissFrance]

[h=1]Husband v Wife... Winner Wife![/h]


A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have avocados, get 6.

A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.

The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"

He replied, "They had avocados."

If you're a woman, I'm sure you're going back to read it again!

Men will get it the first time.

My work is done here.
______________________

Water in the carburetor

WIFE: "There is trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor."

HUSBAND: "Water in the carburetor? That's ridiculous."

WIFE: "I tell you the car has water in the carburetor."

HUSBAND: "You don't even know what a carburetor is. I'll check it out. Where's the car?

WIFE: "It's in the River"
______________________

THIS IS A FRIGHTENING STATISTIC, PROBABLY ONE OF THE MOST WORRISOME IN RECENT YEARS.

25% of the women in this country are on medication for mental illness.

That's scary • It means 75% are running around untreated.
______________________

HE MUST PAY

Husband and wife had a tiff. Wife called up her mom and said, "He fought with me again, I am coming to live with you."

Mom said, "No darling, he must pay for his mistake. I am coming to live with you.
______________________

Today's Short Reading from the Bible...

From Genesis: "…and God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the earth."

Then He made the earth round ...and laughed and laughed and laughed!

 

[MissFrance]

[h=2]2+2+2=7[/h]

You gotta love him!

Teacher: If I gave you 2 cats and another
2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?

Johnny: Seven, Sir.

Teacher: No, listen carefully...
If I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2,
how many will you have?

Johnny: Seven, Sir.

Teacher: Let me put it to you differently.
If I gave you 2 apples, and another 2 apples and another 2,
how many would you have?

Johnny: Six.

Teacher: Good. Now if I gave you 2 cats,
and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?

Johnny: Seven!!! SIR!

A very angry Teacher: Where in the hell
do you get seven from?!?!?

A very angry Johnny: Because,.... I've already got a ****in' cat!!!

 

[Dragon Drop]

A little boy asked his parents "What does havin' sex mean?"

They discussed it privately for a few hours and decided to tell him all about it.

"Wow!" he exclaimed. "I never knew there WAS such a thing!"

"Well," they said, "why did you ask about it?"

"Because today I bumped into another kid and he said "For havin' sex, look where you're going!"

 

[Borg 386]

The History of Medicine

2000 B.C. - Here, eat this root

1000 A.D. - That root is heathen. Here, say this prayer.

1850 A.D. - That prayer is superstition. Here, drink this potion.

1940 A.D. - That potion is snake oil. Here, swallow this pill.

1975 A.D. - That pill is ineffective. Here, take this antibiotic.

2000 A.D. - That antibiotic doesn't work anymore. Here, eat this root.

 

[The Howling Wolves]

The History of Medicine

2000 B.C. - Here, eat this root

1000 A.D. - That root is heathen. Here, say this prayer.

1850 A.D. - That prayer is superstition. Here, drink this potion.

1940 A.D. - That potion is snake oil. Here, swallow this pill.

1975 A.D. - That pill is ineffective. Here, take this antibiotic.

2000 A.D. - That antibiotic doesn't work anymore. Here, eat this root.

2013 Obomacare The root doesn't work . Here smoke this joint

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

The History of Medicine

2000 B.C. - Here, eat this root

1000 A.D. - That root is heathen. Here, say this prayer.

1850 A.D. - That prayer is superstition. Here, drink this potion.

1940 A.D. - That potion is snake oil. Here, swallow this pill.

1975 A.D. - That pill is ineffective. Here, take this antibiotic.

2000 A.D. - That antibiotic doesn't work anymore. Here, eat this root.

2013 Obomacare The root doesn't work . Here smoke this joint

YOU are bad to the bone.. NO help needed ....... so there !!!!

 

[Phone Man]

2013 Obomacare The root doesn't work . Here smoke this joint

The joint won't cure your problems, but you won't really care.

Jim

 

[MissFrance]

What harm can it do.

 

[Der Snoober]

The man with the parrot.

A man with a parrot sitting on his shoulder entered a bar.
The man said to the waiter "One beer for me".
The parrot said to the waiter "And for me a cola".
"Shut the **** up" said the man to the parrot.

Thirty minutes later....
The man: "One beer for me".
The parrot: "And for me a cola".
The man: "Shut the **** up or I will nail you to the wall!"

And another thirty minutes later....
The man: "One beer for me".
The parrot: "And for me a cola".
Thus the man nails the parrot to the wall of the bar.

The parrot looks next to him and sees a statue of Jesus hanging next to him.
"Also begged for a cola?"



Greetz,

Rover

 

[Dragon Drop]

Cartoon --

Child on phone, screaming with rage:
"Who do you think you are?
To download your set of 5000 movies for one dollar I gotta wade through THREE menus,
just because I'm not in YOUR f___in' GALAXY???"

 

[MissFrance]

[h=2]clever hostess[/h]

A mother and her 5-year-old son were flying Qantas from Sydney to Auckland.
The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked,
“If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask the flight attendant.

So the little guy walks up to the galley and asks the flight attendant, “If big dogs have baby dogs,
and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The flight attendant responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me that?"

The boy said, "Yes, she did”.

"Well then, please tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Qantas always pulls out on time,
and ask her explain that to you."​