Windows 8 and 8.1 Forums

Joke Thread

  1. #61

    Posts : 412
    Windows 8 - 64 bit


    A good looking man walked into an agent's office in Hollywood and said, "I want to be a movie star."

    Tall, handsome, and with experience on Broadway, he had the right credentials. The agent asked, "What's your name?"

    The guy said, "My name is Penis van Lesbian."

    The agent said, "Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into Hollywood, you are going to have to change your name."

    "I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old, I will not disrespect my
    grandfather by changing my name. Not ever."

    The agent said, "Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian! I'm telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to represent you."

    "So be it! I guess we will not do business together," the guy said and he left the agent's office.

    FIVE YEARS LATER......The agent opens an envelope sent to his office. Inside the envelope is a letter and a check for $50,000. The agent is awe-struck, who would possibly send him $50,000? He reads the letter enclosed...

    Dear Sir,

    Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood, you told me I needed to change my name. Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused.

    You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian. After I left your office, I thought about what you said. I decided you were right. I had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent. I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation.

    Thank you for your advice.


    Dick van Dyke

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  2. #62

    I mixed up my pain medicine with my anti-depressant this morning.

    My back still hurts, but I really don't care.....
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  3. #63

    Posts : 1,714
    Windows 7 Home Premium S 64 bit

    I mistakenly took my wife's estrogen pills.
    Having hot flashes and looking for my Smith & Wesson as the neighbors dog is barking.
    If anyone has a problem with that come on over and I'll slap the you know what out of you!
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  4. #64

    Posts : 412
    Windows 8 - 64 bit

    Hospital Bill

    You don't have to be Catholic to appreciate this one!!

    A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store. The store manager called 911 when they saw him collapse to the floor.

    The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart bypass surgery.

    He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the Catholic Hospital. A nun was seated next to his bed holding a clipboard loaded with several forms, and a pen. She asked him how he was going to pay for his treatment.

    "Do you have health insurance?" she asked.

    He replied in a weak raspy voice, "No health insurance."

    The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?"

    He replied, "No money in the bank."

    Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?" asked the irritated nun.

    He said, "I only have a spinster sister, and she is a nun."

    The nun became agitated and announced, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."

    The patient replied, "Perfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law."
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  5. #65

    Posts : 412
    Windows 8 - 64 bit

    Quote Originally Posted by The Howling Wolves View Post
    I mistakenly took my wife's estrogen pills.
    Having hot flashes and looking for my Smith & Wesson as the neighbors dog is barking.
    If anyone has a problem with that come on over and I'll slap the you know what out of you!

    Ohhhhhh dear Dennis ate bobwire today.. I think maybe he is a tad cross.....
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  6. #66

    Posts : 412
    Windows 8 - 64 bit

    "4 Worms In Church"
    Four worms and a lesson to be learned!!!!

    A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis

    to his Sunday sermon.

    Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

    The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.

    The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.

    The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.

    The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

    At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

    The first worm in alcohol . . . . . .... Dead .

    The second worm in cigarette smoke . . .. Dead .

    Third worm in chocolate syrup .. .. . . Dead.

    Fourth worm in good clean soil .. . ..... Alive ‚€¶

    So the Minister asked the congregation,

    "What did you learn from this demonstration?"

    Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said .. . ..
    "As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate,

    you won't have worms!"

    That pretty much ended the service!
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  7. #67

    Did you hear about the flasher who thought about retiring?

    He decided to stick it out for another year.
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  8. #68

    We learned some jokes in my German class, but they weren't funny. Not even a
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  9. #69

    Posts : 412
    Windows 8 - 64 bit

    Forgot my Lipstick

    Donít you just hate it? You get all dressed up; you're looking hot; smokin' hot! As you strut your stuff down the street,
    you can almost feel all the eyes upon you.
    Then, you happen to catch a quick glimpse of yourself in a shop window, and you suddenly REALIZE.
    You forgot the lipstick! The whole look you were after is gone to hell, right then and there!

    Click image for larger version
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  10. #70

    Oh, LPT! Funny, but too early in the morning for that pic! I almost heaved my breakfast!
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