Okay, so I'm back on my computer now, checking out the event log.
DCOM got error "1084" attempting to start the service ShellHWDetection with arguments "Unavailable" in order to run the server:
{DD522ACC-F821-461A-A407-50B198B896DC}
I have a LOT of errors that look like this - most of them say Shell HWDetection, some have other services there (like BITS, Bluetooth Device Manager, or McNaiAnn), and sometimes the code afterwards in the {} brackets changes, but this general message is in there a lot of times. (Event ID 10005, if it matters)
There are also a lot of these:
The IO operation at logical block address 14526b87 for Disk 1 was retried.
again, different things for the logical block address, but big strings of these error codes.
Dozens of these as well:
The Computer Browser service depends on the Server service which failed to start because of the following error:
The dependency service or group failed to start.
Volume C: (\Device\HarddiskVolume5) requires an Online Scan. An Online Scan will automatically run as part of the next scheduled maintenance task. Alternatively you may run "CHKDSK /SCAN" locally via the command line, or run "REPAIR-VOLUME <drive:> -SCAN" locally or remotely via PowerShell.
Session "" failed to start with the following error: 0xC000000D
WLAN Extensibility Module has failed to start.
Module Path: C:\windows\System32\bcmihvsrv64.dll
Error Code: 21
The winlogon notification subscriber <GPClient> was unavailable to handle a notification event.
The Intel(R) PROSet/Wireless Zero Configuration Service service terminated with the following error:
%%2147770990
Event filter with query "select * from __InstanceModificationEvent where targetinstance isa '__ArbitratorConfiguration'" could not be reactivated in namespace "//./root" because of error 0x80041033. Events cannot be delivered through this filter until the problem is corrected.
The IPsec Policy Agent service terminated with the following error:
The authentication service is unknown.
The SSDP Discovery service failed to start due to the following error:
The service did not start due to a logon failure.
Faulting application name: mbamscheduler.exe, version: 3.0.2.0, time stamp: 0x5339cec3
Faulting module name: MSVCR100.dll, version: 10.0.40219.325, time stamp: 0x4df2be1e
Exception code: 0x40000015
Fault offset: 0x0008d6fd
Faulting process id: 0x6bc
Faulting application start time: 0x01cf9d260e583fff
Faulting application path: C:\Program Files (x86)\Malwarebytes Anti-Malware\mbamscheduler.exe
Faulting module path: C:\Program Files (x86)\Malwarebytes Anti-Malware\MSVCR100.dll
Report Id: 582e59b7-0919-11e4-bec5-208984ec107f
Faulting package full name:
Faulting package-relative application ID:
Failed to schedule Software Protection service for re-start at 2114-06-17T05:40:53Z. Error Code: 0x80040154.
The Computer Browser service depends on the Server service which failed to start because of the following error:
After starting, the service hung in a start-pending state.
Faulting application name: svchost.exe_svsvc, version: 6.2.9200.16420, time stamp: 0x505a9a4e
Faulting module name: svsvc.dll, version: 6.2.9200.16384, time stamp: 0x5010a427
Exception code: 0xc000001d
Fault offset: 0x0000000000001fe4
Faulting process id: 0x8fb8
Faulting application start time: 0x01cf9cca4dece28c
Faulting application path: C:\windows\System32\svchost.exe
Faulting module path: c:\windows\system32\svsvc.dll
Report Id: af64f550-08bd-11e4-beb7-6817297f724f
Faulting package full name:
Faulting package-relative application ID:
The Diagnostic System Host service failed to start due to the following error:
The pipe has been ended.
Volume Shadow Copy Service error: Unexpected error querying for the IVssWriterCallback interface. hr = 0x80070005, Access is denied.
. This is often caused by incorrect security settings in either the writer or requestor process.
Operation:
Gathering Writer Data
Context:
Writer Class Id: {e8132975-6f93-4464-a53e-1050253ae220}
Writer Name: System Writer
Writer Instance ID: {b404c7af-9e4c-426c-9565-ffa14fe67f76}
Content is corrupt. Error Code:a7f42015
The driver \Driver\WUDFRd failed to load for the device ROOT\LENOVOVHID\0000.
The computer has rebooted from a bugcheck. The bugcheck was: 0x0000007a (0x0000000000000004, 0x0000000000000000, 0xfffffa8019d6c370, 0x0000000002f9f00f). A dump was saved in: C:\windows\MEMORY.DMP. Report Id: 071114-52359-01.
(these are in reverse chronological order, with the last one being the BSOD, obviously. also, like i said, a lot of these are repeated multiple times or with slight variations. hundreds of error reports just since the crash)