OS: Win8 64bit (My desktop is Win8, my laptop is Win7. We're dealing with the desktop here.)
Where I am: university network, but these features seem to be working with my laptop.
Things I've checked: allowing services through Windows Firewall (Bonjour, WMC services, etc.)
Allowing remote services in System Properties
Many, many existing threads and non-solutions
How I'm feeling:

None of these features or applications work, and they're all supposed to function differently from one another (e.g. WMC doesn't use the Apple Bonjour service, so it isn't a program-specific problem). I just want to control my media system with my desktop
Is there some obscure service or file or setting that I'm missing that could prevent any remote applications from working?