Windows 8 and 8.1 Forums

Joke Thread

  1. #71


    The First Sergeant noticed a new private one day and and barked at him to come into his office. "What is your name?" was the first thing the First Sergeant asked the new guy.

    "John," the new guy replied.

    The First Sergeant scowled, "Look, I don't know what kind of bleeding-heart, liberal pansy stuff they're teaching troops in Basic today, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my privates by their last name only - Smith, Jones, Baker - that's all. I am to be referred to only as 'First Sergeant.' Do I make myself clear?"

    "Yes, First Sergeant!"

    "Good! Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"

    The new guy sighed and said, "Darling. My name is John Darling, First Sergeant!"

    The First Sergeant said "Okay, John, here's what I want you to do..."

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  2. #72


    Posts : 1,720
    Windows 8.1 Pro


    Quote Originally Posted by HippsieGypsie View Post
    Oh, LPT! Funny, but too early in the morning for that pic! I almost heaved my breakfast!
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  3. #73


    This girl I met last week says she wants a guy who is "funny and spontaneous."

    But when I tapped on her kitchen window late at night dressed up as a clown, it's all panic and screaming.
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  4. #74


    Arkansas
    Posts : 412
    Windows 8 - 64 bit


    HOW ABSOLUTELY TRUE OF THE NEW GENERATION!!

    Daughter: "Dad, I'm in love with a boy who is far away from me. I am in Australia and he lives in the UK. We met on a dating website, became friends on Facebook, had long chats on Whatsapp, he proposed to me on Skype and now we've had two months of relationship through Viber. Dad, I need your blessings and good wishes."
    Father: "Wow! Really!! Then get married on Twitter, have fun on Tango, buy your kids on Amazon and pay through Paypal. And if you are fed up with your husband....sell him on Ebay".
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  5. #75


    Arkansas
    Posts : 412
    Windows 8 - 64 bit


    A Man and a Woman - Dinner

    A man and a woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine restaurant.
    They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands. The waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away,
    suddenly noticed the woman slowly sliding down her chair and under the table - but the man stared straight ahead.
    The waitress watched as the woman slid all the way down her chair and out of sight under the table.
    Still, the man stared straight ahead.
    The waitress, thinking this behavior a bit risque and worried that it might offend other diners, went over to the table and,
    tactfully, began by saying to the man: "Pardon me, sir, but I think your wife just slid under the table."
    The man calmly looked up at her and said: ..........
    "No, she didn't. She just walked in."

    The most wasted of all days is one without laughter...
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  6. #76


    Arkansas
    Posts : 412
    Windows 8 - 64 bit


    I'm not adding anything to this joke it stands on it's own


    A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children.



    "You all have obsessions," he observed. To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."



    He turned to the 2nd mom, Ann and said, "Your obsession is with money. gone Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."



    He turned to the 3rd mom, Joyce. "Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy."



    At this point, the 4th mother, Cindy, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand, and whispered, "Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about. Let's pick up Peter and Willy from school and go get dinner."
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  7. #77


    Arkansas
    Posts : 412
    Windows 8 - 64 bit


    BAPTIST COWBOY

    Click image for larger version

    A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

    The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."

    The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona, the other is in Colorado. When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."

    The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

    The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

    One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss.”

    The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."

    “Hasn’t affected my brothers though!”
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  8. #78


    Lol, LPT! Good one!
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  9. #79


    Arkansas
    Posts : 412
    Windows 8 - 64 bit



    Above the urinal at a golf course men’s locker room ...

    Click image for larger version
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  10. #80


    Arkansas
    Posts : 412
    Windows 8 - 64 bit


    Behind Every Man

    Barbara Walters, of 20/20, did a story on gender roles in Kabul, Afghanistan, several years before the Afghan conflict.


    She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands.




    She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind their husbands.




    Despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the women now seem happy to maintain the old custom.




    Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked,




    'Why do you now seem happy with an old custom that you once tried so desperately to change?




    'The woman looked Ms. Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation said, "Land mines."




    Moral of the story is (no matter what language you speak or where you go): BEHIND EVERY MAN, THERE'S A SMART WOMAN!
    Click image for larger version
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