Windows 8 and 8.1 Forums

Joke Thread

  1. #11


    Scotland
    Posts : 192
    Windows 8.1 Pro x64


    New Words for 2010

    * TESTICULATING.
    Waving your arms around and talking bollocks.

    * BLAMESTORMING.
    Sitting round in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed and who was responsible.

    * SEAGULL MANAGER.
    A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything and then leaves.

    * SALMON DAY.
    The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die.

    * CUBE FARM.
    An office filled with cubicles.

    * SALAD DODGER.
    An excellent phrase for an overweight person.

    * SWAMP DONKEY.
    A deeply unattractive person..

    * AIRPLANE BLONDE.
    One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'.

    * PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE.
    The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

    * OH-NO SECOND.
    That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake. (e.g. You've hit 'reply all').

    * GREYHOUND.
    A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.

    * MILLENNIUM DOMES.
    The contents of a Wonderbra, i.e. extremely impressive when viewed from the outside but there's actually naught in there worth seeing.

    * MONKEY BATH .
    A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: 'Oo! Oo! Oo! Aa! Aa! Aa!'.

    * MYSTERY BUS.
    The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the toilet after your 10th pint and whisks away all the unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.

    * TART FUEL.
    Bottled premixed spirits, regularly consumed by young women.

    * PICASSO BUM.
    A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's got 4 buttocks.

      My System SpecsSystem Spec

  2. #12


    A Finnish ex-pat in Leipzig, Germany
    Posts : 1,443
    Windows 8.1 Pro with Media Center


    Quote Originally Posted by The Howling Wolves View Post
    New eye chart put out by AARP

    They are really getting cruel to us elderly's!
    :bounce::bounce::bounce:
      My System SpecsSystem Spec

  3. #13


    Posts : 5,592
    ME, XP,Vista,Win7,Win8,Win8.1


    Quote Originally Posted by The Howling Wolves View Post
    New eye chart put out by AARP
    Attachment 553

    They are really getting cruel to us elderly's!
    Should carry an EU health warning, not for the over 60's.
      My System SpecsSystem Spec


  4. #14


    Pembrokeshire, South Wales, UK
    Posts : 652
    Windows 7 Ultimate SP1 32 bit/ Windows 8.1 64 bit


    Quote Originally Posted by theog View Post
    Should carry an EU health warning, not for the over 60's.
    You missed a word there theog, men evil1:
      My System SpecsSystem Spec

  5. #15


    Posts : 5,592
    ME, XP,Vista,Win7,Win8,Win8.1


    Quote Originally Posted by Joan Archer View Post
    You missed a word there theog, men evil1:
    Us men are so good:bounce:
      My System SpecsSystem Spec

  6. #16


    Scotland
    Posts : 192
    Windows 8.1 Pro x64


    ADVICE FROM A RETIRED HUSBAND

    It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

    My name is Ron. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Carol Anne. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Carol Anne to get a full-time job, along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work.

    Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club, so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner.

    I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

    Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think.For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour.. But, Boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two, or even three days. That way, she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

    When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me, too.

    I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Carol Anne. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, Guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.


    EDITOR'S NOTE:
    Ron died suddenly on January 31 of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra-long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing, and a sledge hammer laying nearby. His wife Carol Anne was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 10 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that Ron, somehow without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.
      My System SpecsSystem Spec

  7. #17


    Pembrokeshire, South Wales, UK
    Posts : 652
    Windows 7 Ultimate SP1 32 bit/ Windows 8.1 64 bit


    Quote Originally Posted by echrada View Post
    advice from a retired husband

    it is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

    My name is ron. Let me relate how i handled the situation with my wife, carol anne. When i retired a few years ago, it became necessary for carol anne to get a full-time job, along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, i noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work.

    Although she knows how hungry i am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, i tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the men's grill at the club, so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when i hit that door. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner.

    I do what i can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

    Another symptom of aging is complaining, i think.for example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour.. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so i just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two, or even three days. That way, she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what i mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

    When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me, too.

    I know that i probably look like a saint in the way i support carol anne. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than i do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, i will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.


    Editor's note:
    Ron died suddenly on january 31 of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a calloway extra-long 50-inch big bertha driver ii golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing, and a sledge hammer laying nearby. His wife carol anne was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 10 minutes to find her not guilty, accepting her defense that ron, somehow without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.
      My System SpecsSystem Spec

  8. #18


    Who is richer than Bill Gates-Chuck Norris.

    On a conference:Steve Ballmer is going to announce windows 8 and he says:''Guess what folks,we are making our next version of windows,it is gonna be called Best Windows and we switched it into a unix kernel.Bills heart stops.Next day Bill was imprisoned for a mass murder of the windows 8 team.

    Why are blondes so stupid?because Chuck Norris ordered them to be so...
      My System SpecsSystem Spec

  9. #19


    Arkansas
    Posts : 412
    Windows 8 - 64 bit

    Joke Thread


    Have a great Laugh

    Ikemefuna is a house-boy who drinks his Boss' wine with impunity then adds water to cover his tracks. His boss became suspicious and decided to buy Pasties (a French wine that changes color if you add water - just like Dettol). Unaware of this, Ikemefuna drank the wine as usual and topped it up with water.

    Immediately he added water, the Pasties became milky and he knew he was in trouble. When the Boss came back and saw the changed Pasties, he knew he had nailed Ikemefuna. Ikemefuna, knowing he was in trouble, decided to stay put in the kitchen when his boss came home. The Boss, having told his wife what he observed, now swung into action.

    "Ikemefuna!" he called from the sitting room.

    Ikemefuna answered: "Yes, Boss."

    "Who drank my pasties?"

    Ikemefuna: No answer.

    The Boss asked again…still no answer.

    So the Boss went to the kitchen to meet him there: "Are you insane or what? Why when I call, you say "Yes, Boss", but when I ask you a question you don't answer me?"

    Ikemefuna retorted, "Hmmm, Oga. When you are in the kitchen you don't hear anything at all, except your name."

    "Is that so?" asked the Boss, "Okay, go to the bar stand beside Madam, while I go into d kitchen. And then, you ask me a question."

    Ikemefuna accepted. When his Boss was in the kitchen he shouts, "Boss."

    "Yes, Ikem" Boss answers.

    Ikemefuna then asks, "Who goes into the maid's bedroom when Madam is not at home?"

    No answer.

    Ikemefuna shouts again: "Boss, I say who dey sneak into the maid's room when Madam no dey house?"

    No answer.

    The Boss runs back from the kitchen shouting, "Wonders shall never cease! Ikemefuna, it is true ooo - when one is in the kitchen, one does not hear anything except one's name."

    The wife, now very angry, interrupts, "That's not true. It's a lie! Without a doubt."

    Ikemefuna asks if she'll enter the magic kitchen to test it. She agrees.

    Ikemefuna asks, “Madam, who's Junior's biological father? Me or the Boss? "

    Madam rushed out of the kitchen. "This kitchen needs to be fumigated ooo! I can't hear anything at all.
      My System SpecsSystem Spec

  10. #20


    Arkansas
    Posts : 412
    Windows 8 - 64 bit


    Oooppppp ssss .. sorry I missed the first Joke thread somehow..
    I called myself looking and searching for one before I posted the joke .
      My System SpecsSystem Spec

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